My mother has always encouraged me to play video games. Ever since I was small and even now as a 26 yr old woman, she still urges me forth to game my nights away. We spent the whole week leading up to Christmas marathoning movies and playing Skyrim and she once again said to me, after I spent an hour trying to kill a particular white dragon, that she always marvels at the fact that I never give up on something once I’ve set my mind to it. That no matter how many times I die or get beaten I get up and try again until I achieve what looks to be the impossible at the time. It’s the same with all gamers really, we get clobbered again and again and we reload and try again until we eventually slay the beast. I feel that that alone is the greatest argument that a person can give for pro gaming is that it teaches you in life that no matter how many times you hit a wall you should try find a way to get around it and that it is ok to fight for what you want to do no matter the odds. A lot of random stuff of late has required to me fight pretty hard to reach the goals I have set myself but in the end I find a way, often an unusual one, to get what I need. It has been painful but at the end of the day you’re the one standing there with the prize in your hand whether it be a dragon soul or a friendship that appeared doomed from the start or an HD Projector. It’s not the struggle, it’s the result that really matters in the end. Fight for it.
“Give it all and ask no return And very soon you’ll see and you’ll begin to learn That’s it’s alright, yes it’s alright”
I find myself for the first time able to just stand and witness what has really happened the last 3 months and what I have lost and gained so very suddenly. Like a dear in the headlights I stand before myself and confront all that I have become.
Everything has changed since that Dree Hemingway post all those months ago. In Amsterdam, Sweden and Copenhagen I garnered a new outlook in the way I interact with people and the amount of space I allot between those around me and the core of myself. Then I came back and was in a quick flash very intense relationship that was as beautiful as it was fleeting and I came to realise that if you care about someone sometimes the best way to love them is to walk away. I worked on a show for SA fashion week and realized how much I want to actively make music and start pursuing my dreams rather than wait for them to happen. The people that I spoke of in the previous post have become closer to me than I imagined and the person who I thought was one of the closest to me destroyed the very essence of our friendship and had me crying in a very public restaurant the day before my birthday.
It is as if my very foundations have shifted, as if my heart isn’t mine anymore but is more mine than ever before. I feel a little lost but completely at home and at peace. So here I am with my arms outstretched, letting nature and the world around me confront me head on. I am not going anywhere even though a part of me has left already and is replaced with a new sense of self, one that feels more like me than ever before.
So, yes I wasn’t joking when I said everything changed, soft smile.
There comes a time when people drift into your life and you find yourself lucky enough to realize their impact. I don’t make friends easily, I appear to have spent the last few years of my life at first trying to hold onto things and then dealing with the trauma of letting them go. I have kept to myself. Either to weary too let anyone else in or too afraid. And now, on a drive home from the airport on Saturday saying good bye to family who don’t know me and driving to friends who do, I realized that for the first time in a long time I have found new souls to connect with and others that have clasped at the heart of me, stronger than I ever anticipated.
There is a familiarity with the people who have waltzed into my life the last 5 days that surprise me and yet the ease of their presence is just so unsurprising. It’s like I have shared space with them in another place, another time, outside of this one. A part of me is suspicious and thinks that it shouldn’t be this easy but maybe the fact is, it should never be that hard. I guess the best way to describe it is like buying a second hand book, it’s new to you but the spine cracks open with familiarity as though it has been in your hands many times before. There is a warmth to it that cannot be found with books bought brand new at a store. It sits with you and has character, it’s easier to love.
These feelings are coupled with that of overwhelming closeness that I feel with another, who’s birthday it is today. I never expected to let someone in as much as I have. I never anticipated that someone would be able to read me so well or to actually see me the way this person does. I always love with the whole heart of me but with this particular beautiful being has actually acquired a piece of it. Heart real estate, sold! Well actually given away willingly, warm smile. I cannot explain it but all I know is if I don’t see him on a Monday for sushi, if I don’t speak to him each day, or if I can’t tell him how my heart feels then everything is not right in the world. Because he has become a part of mine so completely.
I know I’m not making much sense but maybe it’s not about sense today, maybe is about feeling. I am feeling at peace and yet excited. I feel so lucky for the moments that I share with others whether they be new to my life or long established. I am grateful to the familiarity of singing old songs in cars with new people and the second hand red and yellow string that guides me to a place where even if it’s 2 degrees and 5:30 in the morning all I feel is warmth and light.
This is how my heart feels today. Bubblegum pop moment, taking time to exhale and be a little layed back.
Work has taken it’s toll over the last few weeks which is partly why I have been so quiet. Recently It has felt like I have been hit by a base ball bat repeatedly in the knee, sometimes in the face. But after an amazing weekend (which included road tripping, good friends and Kylie Minogue) and a day off on Monday to create things, I am in the most awesome of places. Today is the first time in forever that I feel like I can breathe. I am on top of everything, there is no more drama (until next week, smile). So I can just chill and everything will be alright.
Off to watch The final Harry Potter on the opening night with 2 of my dearest. The best way to celebrate, loving life today. Owner of happy heart. WIN.
“It’s that moment when you look straight ahead on a rainy night and the light reflects on the windscreen. Sparkling lights come to life and dazzle. The way when you turn your head just right and see the rain cut across the street lamp illumination. It’s these times when the world comes alive around you and you’re too busy to notice. I don’t want to bee too busy to notice life anymore. Life is there to be on the go but life is also about quiet contemplation. You don’t have to keep moving to live, sometimes it’s as simple as watching the windowpane on a rainy night”
“It was as if the sensation of the world was pulling me down the road, dragging me like a magnet forcing my consciousness to move down the path. Every step I took in that direction felt good and purposeful as if I was rewarded for choosing the right path. Keep going my heart said, this is the way forward.
It felt like an awakening. A purpose. Move down the road not up, don’t go there come here. The very thought of moving any other way felt grinding to my soul. I guess I would have to go there another day, when the path felt right and called to me. For now I will move this way. The path has been chosen. Because I know what s good for me. Because I will not question. Move.”